Malik was only 16 when he first heard about the word. It was in school and his classmates were gathered around watching something on Ramy’s Blackberry. He couldn’t see what it was because they were about 10 boys of different builds and sizes bending over just to watch whatever it was Ramy was playing on his phone. He assumed it was probably one of those action games or a recently-released episode of an anime they all watched, but he was still really curious as to what it was exactly, so he asked one of the boys — Yusuf, an acquaintance- what it was. Yusuf who was heavily fixated on ramy’s phone, turned back for a split second and replied:
“Na porn, guy.”
That word was foreign to Malik. He had never heard the word, never even seen the word and his utter ignorance regarding it only piqued his interest even more. He was curious. He spent the remaining hour of school wondering what the word meant even as he attended the last class for the day. As was usual with him, he didn’t waste any time in packing up and heading home right after the closing bell rang. You see, Yusuf was quite a smart boy and he did not appreciate it when knowledge of any sort evaded him, so it really bugged him not to know what that word meant. As soon as he got home, he went straight to his dad’s room and switched on his dad’s old and dusty desktop. He was breaking mother’s rules, but it would only take a minute. Mother had always insisted that he took a cold shower and ate after he got back from school but mother’s orders would have to wait a minute or two. The desktop lit up as he pressed on the power button. It took a minute to boot after which he immediately clicked on the “Internet Explorer” icon and typed “porne” on the google search bar. He clicked the first link and what he saw made him shout “Allahu akbar!!” He immediately closed the page and switched off the desktop. He was stunned. Was this what Yusuf and the other boys were watching in school? He wondered.
Malik was 19 and he was finally done with high school. He had finished his final exams a couple of weeks ago and he had been unoccupied since then. He picked up his phone one late night when he was bored and searched “porn videos”. He could spell it properly now and had used it quite a lot to search for those videos. He scrolled through the raunchy videos and watched whichever caught his eye. After that first time years ago, he had abstained from going back to search them out for a while, but found himself increasingly being drawn back to watch. Eventually, he did watch and had kept going back to watch on most days. He enjoyed it. It had become a ritual for Malik and though he was ashamed of it, he did it still. He watched pornography every night before he went to bed. He enjoyed it. He had even come to believe that it helped him sleep.
Malik knew it was wrong. He had heard a couple of his muslim brothers disccusing about it and they spoke about it with such disgust. He wondered how something so pleasureable could disgust them, but because his fellow muslims said it was wrong, he believed it was and didn’t say a word to them about his habit of watching it. Malik began to pray to Allah to help him stop, to deliver him from this “evil pleasure.” Malik, however, could not stop. Was Allah intentionally turning a deaf ear to his prayers? Did Allah not have a problem with pornography?
Malik is 22 now and he’s in his penultimate year in uni. He’s back home for the holidays and coincidentally, it’s Ramadan. On the first day of fasting, Malik promises himself he will abstain from pornography throughout the period of Ramadan. It’s time for isha’a and malik includes his resolution in his prayers. Night comes and Malik goes to bed but can’t find sleep. He hasn’t performed his night ritual. Malik recites Al-Fatiha but that doesn’t stop him. He watches the videos. Malik resents himself but he can’t stop. Malik condemns himself but he won’t stop.
